Apparently, I Have Offensive Eyebrows

Like many of my blog posts, this one also comes from the conversation I had with my sister. This one will be a light, personal, but an important post for me, as it captures my thoughts at the moment that will act as a reminder for myself in the future.

I can say with enough confidence in 7 out of 10 video calls we regularly have, she’d ask me the same question again and again: “Rene, do you not want to do eyebrow embroidery?”.

It feels hilarious as I’m writing this because it will probably bring some awkward attention to my eyebrows but as a matter of fact, I barely have any. I know that many people feel that eyebrows are the most important feature of their face and I’m not one of those people. Therefore, their nonexistence doesn’t bother me at all.

My answer to her question is always along the line of “Do I have to do it because honestly, I know they’re not the greatest pairs of eyebrows and I am totally fine with it.” I understand that this is her expression of concern and care and I always appreciate it from her. However, like many expressions of concern, I also understand that it’s really up to me whether I want to act on it or not.

I’ve always thought it’s something that only affects me as an individual and my inaction will not harm anybody. Until I realize that she isn’t the only person that has expressed their disagreement with my eyebrows and I wonder:

Do people get offended seeing the mess that is my eyebrows?

As my sister and I discussed this in a pretty hilarious conversation, yes, it does offend some people.

This is one thing I’ve realized as I get older: people value very different things. I’ve realized that there are people out there that when they meet you, the first thing they’ll realize is how crooked your nose is, how uneven your teeth are, or how messy your eyebrows are.

And it probably bothers them a lot.

When I first knew this about other people, it surprised me quite a bit. The detail in someone’s look is something that I pay attention to the least, it was difficult for me to imagine being bothered by or even barely noticing the shape of someone’s nose when I first meet them.

I’ve also observed that what a person pays attention to the most in other people is most likely what they pay attention to the most about themselves. It’s not that difficult to see why I do not really care about the shape or the nonexistence of my own eyebrows. I generally do not value outer appearance all that much.

Do I think there’s something wrong with those that pay attention a lot to outer appearance?

No, definitely not. I just think that we value different things and it’s okay.

At the same time though, I’m the least insecure person I know. Other people’s comments and “expressions of concern” go through a filter I create for myself and it’s very rare that I think about it all that much. The filter is an unconscious fast process that probably looks like this:

As you can see, I do think most of the people’s comments and concerns about you are really their own problems and probably also their own insecurities. Even if they are people you care about. If you are totally fine with how you look, how you speak, or how you do a certain thing, and it’s not harmful to other people, I don’t see why you should suddenly be stressed when other people think differently about it.

I’ve also realized that it’s very important to pick a partner that values the same things as you do. With a relationship, I do think it’s a bit hard to just dismiss the other party’s comment and concern just because you do not think it’s important. A relationship is something that you need to work together for. If my partner says that I should fix my eyebrows because it bothers him, I’d probably do it. As much as I’m fine with them, it’s also important for me to make the relationship work well.

Well, fortunately, he is the last person that would ever be bothered by them.

This is definitely not an excuse to be an asshole

Let me reiterate that, this is definitely not an excuse to be an asshole. Let me give an example because examples work best.

You throw an insensitive joke and someone says to you, “I think that’s sexist, you should probably stop”. You think for a second and think that your joke is just very funny, other people than this person laughed anyway. You turn to that person and say, “Too bad for you, it’s funny though!”

You are being an asshole.

It’s important to respond back to comments and feedback from people that are giving them respectfully with respect. With comments that I deemed as “Nah, it’s their problem”, I’d just smile, nod, and drive the conversation elsewhere.

“Are you not interested in eyebrow embroidery?” Smile, nod, “Auntie, do you know that since 1981 our earth has increased its temperature by 0.81 Celcius per decade?”

Remind them that the important issue is not your eyebrows, it’s climate change.

I create this little space on the internet to write my thoughts and reflections on being a human, a woman, and a software developer. I don't have Instagram/Twitter but I can be found on LinkedIn. Feel free to contact/give feedback/tell me your story through my email: ivanaairenee@gmail.com