Another Reflection Note (as a Super Senior)

*Super senior: a term that refers to a student who attends a four-year institution for more than four years

Having a competitive advantage is going to make your life a little easier. It’s a great feeling when you have the confidence that you’ll eventually land a job after graduating. However, this is what I’ve learned throughout the years of being in university (and throughout living for 22 years as a person): having a competitive advantage (internship experiences, high GPA, or other academic/professional achievements) does not automatically make you a better human being. It works the other way around as well, if you feel like you do not have a competitive advantage, it does not make you less worthy than your “more successful” peers.

If you’re an upcoming freshman, it’s natural if you don’t understand or can’t relate to all of the things that I’m going to say here, but I promise you it will be more and more relatable as you begin your journey in university. If you’re currently an undergraduate, I hope what I write here will be some sort of reflection for us all. I do not represent people other than myself, but I hope people who read this will gain some perspectives.

When you’re a freshman, everything seems possible. You might come to school thinking that one day, you and your friends are going to be good and smart enough and you’re going to build a startup that is going to be very big and you’re going to be super-rich. You might think that you’re smart enough and special enough that it’s not going to be hard. Again, you’re not ignorant or naive, you’re a freshman. Throughout the years you’re going to realize what it is that you like to do, what’s easy, what’s hard, and what’s important for you. And maybe, building a company will hold less significance in your list of priorities (it’s super cool though if you survive the years and still have the same vision as you had when you’re a freshman!)

Freshman year can be a very stressful year for a lot of people. It’s a whole year of adaptation and trying to accept who you are and the people around you. Unlike high school, people are coming from different cities across the nation. I’ve met some people who were stressed in their freshman year because they were no longer the smartest one among their peers. This is a very common thing that happens especially in top universities. People come from different places to pursue education, having secured a place in a prestigious institution will temporarily make some people feel superior and accomplished. This kind of confidence can be easily crushed once we find out that in fact, we’re no longer better than average.

Maybe I’m just lucky. I don’t deserve to be here. How can I be successful when there are so many other smart people? What’s the point of pursuing this major when there are so many people who are greater than I am?

You are not a loser, you’re a freshman. Or maybe, it’s just human to feel that we’re not good enough, even after a couple of years spent struggling.

Things change. People change. Circumstances change. When I was a freshman, I never thought of the possibility of a pandemic. When I was a freshman, it felt like the end. It felt like winning because I no longer have to worry every time any relatives ask my parents which school I go to. I felt like I can and will do anything I want to.

It may feel like ”see? hard work pays off” when in fact, we’re so lucky to be able to pursue high education. Maybe we worked hard for it, maybe we spent way more hours than the average studying, but we have to acknowledge that luck is there. God allows us to be here, or if you don’t believe in God, luck allows us.

Believing in blessing and luck keeps our feet on the ground. This is something that I believe and live for since I was a kid. I have a round face, thick earlobe, round chin, and I look exactly like my father. In Chinese beliefs (apparently), these traits mean that I was born with a lot of luck. I grew up with my parents and relatives telling me that I have the lucky face, and I realize this is the thing I’ve always come back to when it’s very tempting to feel more accomplished than others. I may have worked hard for this, but again I’m so lucky to be here.

In your second and third years, it might be very difficult to witness your peers knowing exactly what they want to do while you’re still mulling over whether you should apply for that internship, that student exchange, or whether you are courageous enough to tell your parents that you want to quit and turn your side hustle into a full-fledged business. It’s okay to not know what you want to do, everyone was once clueless about it.

However, it’s not okay to continually not knowing what you want to do. Using your time to do things that you don’t exactly know what’s for is a waste of time. Time is not money, it’s way more precious than that. If you lose your money you can go back to work and earn it all back. You can’t do the same with time.

So what can we do in pursuit of knowing what we want to do? All sorts of things. Explore more things on the internet. Go incognito before browsing on Youtube, social media, or search engine, get out of your filter bubble. If you’ve never read a book before, try reading one. If you’re always into American shows, try watching some K-Dramas. If you’re always into FPS, try playing some MOBAs. If you’ve tried frontend development before, try some backend, or data, or infra. Knowing what you want to do starts from knowing at all. If you explore more and know more, you’ll have more chance to stumble upon something that you’d actually like.

Somewhere along your university years, you’re going to meet all sorts of people. You might even become close with someone you’ve met and despised a year ago. People change, and it’s so easy to feel like we’re not going to. Whatever the change is, I hope that it will be for the better. Know that even though you live your own life, the life you lead does impact others. This is something that has become my motto for a long time: “Do whatever you want unless it burdens or hurts other people”. Do what can benefit you but do not hurt other people in the process.

I hope this (another) reflection note can remind me in the future of what I’ve learned during this 4+ years. I hope it can help others find themselves as well.

If you’ve reached the end, thank you so much for reading. I hope it was (somehow) useful.

I create this little space on the internet to write my thoughts and reflections on being a human, a woman, and a software developer. I don't have Instagram/Twitter but I can be found on LinkedIn. Feel free to contact/give feedback/tell me your story through my email: ivanaairenee@gmail.com