Reflection of a Magical Year Soon to Be Left Behind

Everyone is fighting their own battles. Sometimes, it’s a battle against oneself.

If life was a rollercoaster ride, this year for me would be riding one blindly. When I first jumped into one of the cars, I didn’t know what’s coming. It’s like being pushed involuntarily into a piece of machinery that could transport you to places without knowing what it exactly is, or what kind of places it would take you, or what kind of person it would make you.

Coming to this year, I had some expectations of what’s coming. Two internships abroad, one-semester leave, additional titles on resume and LinkedIn profile that seemed to be a big deal. Looking back, I now realize that I really didn’t know what’s coming.

What actually came was really a change of self and perspective. However, I made myself believe that nothing really changed, that I’m still Irene with the same set of lame jokes and the same set of friends. I think I tried to convince people around me the same. I tried not to talk about my internships too much. I tried too hard talking about everyday things and jokes until at some point I realized that I didn’t really tell important stories and experiences that I should be telling my support group about.

I went through an interview process and eventually had an onsite with Google (and eventually got rejected) which I didn’t really tell anyone except my closest friends. I really didn’t want people to know not because I was afraid of getting rejected. It was more due to the fact that at some point, I wanted people to stop looking at me and consider me for my progression or achievements. I wanted people to look at me and see me as a person, and all the things I did are just things that I did.

I think the shift happened after my second internship with Microsoft. On my last weekend before returning to Jakarta from Seattle, I actually tried to write a blog entry that I ended up not finishing:

There Are More to Life Than Your Career

I am probably going to call myself dumb and naive for writing this in a few years.

It’s a nice Saturday in Seattle, a little above seventy degrees outside. The three weeks that really feels like summer is over, and the city starts showing its true colors again. One of my housemates is flying back tomorrow and the rest of my housemates and I arranged a goodbye lunch for her in a nice cafe serving fancy all-day breakfast menu down in University District.

We talked about offers and about returning to the company over lunch. Some of the talks are about numbers, some of them about perks. I spoke very little in the group but I tried to chip in about company culture.

During the three months I spent in Seattle working as an intern in Microsoft, I think my life’s direction has become much clearer. I was also away from my family and friends for the same amount of time as when I was interning with Facebook in London, but the feelings I was feeling is very different. I think the three months I spent here are more realistic and represent the working situation better. It’s probably also because this is my second time interning for a big tech company in another country, it somehow feels less magical.

I think I stopped writing because I knew all the things that I could’ve written and all of those sounded dumb and ungrateful. But it was honest. During my time there, I thought about a lot of things. I thought about whether working in a foreign country, traveling to places, and posting beautiful pictures are really things I wanted to do. I thought about how lucky and privileged I was, and how instead of complaining about the lack of people I could talk to, the loneliness and tough days I went through, I should be grateful, that I should share these experiences with other people, inspire others, and maybe that could help them do the same.

I tried to do that, although I have to admit that I didn’t try my best. It’s a battle between being helpful and being discreet. I didn’t want to be the kind of person who glorifies achievement like the influencers who promote being successful. I don’t want people to listen to what I say and believe that achieving all these things is the only way for them to be happier.

I’m very grateful for all the opportunities given to me and I think it is really beneficial for your life if you achieve great things, have a good job, and a good career progression. It would be hypocritical to say that I do not want any of these. I just don’t want people to think that it’s everything.

In early September, just a few weeks after I went back from Seattle, my grandmother, who is 81, was diagnosed with breast cancer. I think it was another turning point that made me really reflected upon myself. I recalled the times I didn’t spend with my family because I was ‘busy’ working on things. The times I regarded my work as being more important than a 10-minute call with my parents. The number of times I refrained from spending time with my friends because I thought it’d be a waste of time.

There is more to life than we are able to understand. It’s more than having a good job. It’s more than having people look up to you. It’s more than being respected. Things happen, and sometimes we have no control. Sometimes we don’t understand, and we won’t be able to understand. The least we can do is to realize how important the people around us are and do something about it.

Everyone is fighting their own battles. Sometimes, it’s a battle against oneself.

Whatever battle it is, it’s always handy to have comrades to support you.

I hope as I reflect upon this, you’ll also do.

PS: If you’re one of the people that expect me to share more about tips or professional experiences, do not hesitate to ping me on any of my social media (I’m mostly active on Instagram/Twitter). I like talking to people directly so that I understand what they want to know and I always feel kinda guilty when I don’t share about them.

I’ll try my best to be helpful!

I create this little space on the internet to write my thoughts and reflections on being a human, a woman, and a software developer. I don't have Instagram/Twitter but I can be found on LinkedIn. Feel free to contact/give feedback/tell me your story through my email: ivanaairenee@gmail.com